Try as you might, you cannot avoid conflict in relationships. Relational conflict is a natural part of human existence. Therefore, you need to figure out how best to deal with it rather than avoid it.

When conflict exists in a relationship and all you do is seek to avoid it, you only allow it to worsen. The longer conflict is avoided or ignored, the more it festers or escalates.

When working as a manager at a call center, I recall having a conflict with a colleague. Rather than dealing with it immediately, I avoided it because I lacked the tools to manage it. The end result was that I distanced myself from my colleague and our relationship became rather awkward. Since then I’ve learned to deal with conflicts as soon as possible because I value relationships.

Let me suggest three biblical steps that will help you manage your conflicts rather than avoid them.

In Ephesians 4 Paul gave instructions to the Christian believers on how to live in unity and as children of light. His concluding instructions were: “be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”  (Eph.4:32, NLT)

Step one: We must show kindness to each other. When in conflict with another person, what might happen if, rather than anger, fear and/or bad feelings toward the person, you consider how you can be kind to him or her? How can you be kind in words, thoughts and deeds?

As the Blackabys, a family that ministers internationally, state: “Kindness is love expressed in practical ways; it is putting the needs of others before our own. It is intentionally considering ways to meet other people’s needs.” (Experiencing God, Day by Day, August 13, 2014.)

Step two: You must be tenderhearted. When conflict arises it is almost natural to become hardhearted and judgmental, wanting justice for the wrong done to you. Paul instructs us to be tenderhearted rather than all the other options you may have.

To be tenderhearted is to be keenly aware of the other person’s feelings. When in conflict, the only emotions you generally are concerned about are your own. What might happen if you take the time to try and understand the emotions of the other?

Step three: You must be willing to forgive. Without forgiveness there will be no conflict resolution. In order to resolve the conflicted relationship between God and us, God in Christ forgave you and me. He did not wait on us, rather He took the initiative to bring about a resolution.

In the same way we must take the initiative in conflict resolution by having a willingness to forgive. What might happen if, rather than focusing on the wrong done to you that led to the conflict, you instead decide to forgive the other person? How will forgiving them change your view of the other and work toward bringing about a resolution?

You may ask, “What if the other person does not respond to my attempts to resolve the conflict using these steps?” You are responsible only for what you can control. Your responsibility is to do all you can within your power to resolve the conflict. If the other person does not respond to your attempts then you know you have done all you can. You cannot make them do what they do not want to do.

Is there a conflict you have been avoiding or attempted to resolve but lack the tools? Why not commit to resolving it, beginning with the three steps mentioned above?

Call us at 208-880-0307 or email us at errolcarrim@gmail.com to schedule acomplimentary coaching session. To read Errol’s other posts, such as Becoming a Wounded Healer or Being the Best You can be for Others, visit Christ-Centered Life Coaching.