We all like to give and receive positive feedback. But negative feedback? Now that is another issue. Most of us neither like giving nor receiving it. And for us to improve and become the best we can be, we need to give and receive negative feedback.

Why is something so necessary to our well-being sometimes so difficult?

For one thing, if you are insecure in who you are and have low self-esteem, you are less likely to give negative feedback to others because of your need to be liked. Parents fail to give negative feedback to their children because of the fear that their children will not like them. Co-workers and friends do the same.

When you struggle with liking and accepting yourself, and when you depend on others for your sense of worth, giving negative feedback will always be a very difficult thing to both give and receive.

Another reason you may be hesitant when it comes to giving negative feedback is the fear of retribution. This is especially true when you are dealing with someone who has power over you. Sometimes a leader proposes an idea and asks for feedback. But you know if you disagree, you will have to deal with her wrath for weeks or months to come.

You may not struggle with self-worth or from fear of retribution. Instead, you may be less likely to give negative feedback for fear of hurting the feelings of others. This of course is based on how you perceive and process information. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI) can help here. If you score higher in Feeling and lower in Thinking, you are more likely to struggle with giving negative feedback because you are concerned with the emotional impact of what you have to say on the person.

Those who prefer the feeling side consider the people first, then the problem. They take into account how the decision will impact others. Those who prefer the thinking side prioritize the problem. Those with a stronger thinking preference start from the head and those with a stronger feeling preference begin from the heart. This does not mean that those who prefer thinking cannot feel, or that those who prefer feeling cannot think. What this does mean is that those who prefer feeling could over-empathize with the feedback receiver, while those who prefer thinking could miss emotional clues, leaving the feedback receiver in a world of hurt.

As you consider the process of giving negative feedback, do you find yourself struggling to give negative feedback? Can you identify what makes it such a struggle for you?

We have no control over how the other person will respond to negative feedback. However, some methods of delivery are more likely to succeed than others. Next week, we will consider how to give negative feedback in a helpful way.

If you would like help in achieving your goals in any area of your life, call us at 208-880-0307 or email us at errol@errolcarrim.com to schedule a complimentary coaching session. To read Errol’s other posts, visit Christ-Centered Life Coaching.

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