Category Archives: Coaching

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Getting Along with Difficult People

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Angry peopleWe have all encountered someone who we have a difficult time getting along with. Reasons vary for why we struggle to get along with some people, while we seem to have no problem with others.

With some, it is the short fuse or seemly uncontrollable anger. Others might have mood swings that make them hard to get along with because you can never tell what temper they’ll be in at any given time. Others are overly sarcastic. Then there are those who are never wrong and nothing is ever their fault; they are masters of blame-shifting.

We have all encountered someone who is challenging to be around, whether at home or work. It may be a family member, a neighbor, a friend or an acquaintance. As a matter of fact, sometimes we are the ones who are hard to get along with. But let me offer some guidance for getting along with difficult people.

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Finding Freedom through Forgiveness

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forgive&free“To err is human; to forgive, divine.” I am sure you have heard that saying many times. The truth is that the saying is misleading. Because while to err is human, to forgive is also human, aided by the divine.

Forgiveness is a tricky thing because our first thought when someone hurts us or treats us unfairly is to desire justice. We immediately want to hurt them back; we want them to hurt as badly as we did or worse; or to lose as much as we have lost—and more if possible.

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When Listening is Most Difficult

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Ears pluggedLast week I looked at listening as foundational to a healthy relationship. If you are to have and maintain healthy relationships at any level, you must learn to be a good listener.

Listening is most challenging during conflict. In such cases emotions run high, with anger being the dominant. When emotions run high, reason can hardly prevail. And without reason rising above emotions, conflict escalates, often leading to serious consequences for all involved. Many times in the middle of a conflict you may have heard the phrase, “You are not listening to me!” Or perhaps you used it yourself.

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Good Listening is Foundational to Healthy Relationships

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good talkTo be human is to be in relationship. We cannot survive without it. Whether you are a parent, neighbor, friend, spouse or a leader, you depend on healthy relationships to get along with others. The foundation on which all relationships are built is good communication. When communication is good, relationships are healthy; when communication is poor, relationships are poor as well. Regardless of whom you are relating to, good communication is the key to building and maintaining a healthy relationship.

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Busyness: Control–or be Controlled

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OverwhelmedLast November I wrote a two-part blog on busyness. The subject is again on my radar because the most popular response I get when I ask people how they are doing is, “I’m busy.”

Recently, I told a friend who gave me that very answer: “I hope you are controlling your busyness rather than being controlled by your busyness.”

The person was surprised by my comment, as if they had not thought about whether they were in control of their busyness or if it was controlling them. As I thought about my answer and the person’s response, I began wondering about how many of us are being controlled by our busyness rather than controlling it. I wonder if many of us have even realized that we can control our busyness.

Let me suggest a couple things that can lead to your busyness controlling you.

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When Life Gets Too Busy, Meaningful Relationships Die

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Cellphone familyWe live in a fast-paced culture in the United States. We are constantly busy going places in person or online, without enough time to do all we desire.

These days, I see a lot of families eating out due to their busy schedules. It also seems to be the norm for everyone to have their heads buried in their electronic devices while they wait on their food. There is more conversation with the server than among family members.

This fast-paced life has contributed to the demise of meaningful relationships in our lives. We either do not know how to connect in a meaningful way, or are not willing to take the time to do so, because the process is too slow. Instead we Facebook, tweet, Instagram, snapchat, WeChat, WhatsApp and Pinterest our relationships. Some of us will more quickly answer a text than return a phone call because it is too time consuming. And sadder still – many of us wear that sentiment as a badge of honor.

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Providing Helpful, Negative Feedback

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ConversationProviding negative feedback may be beneficial or harmful depending on how and by whom it is given. Most of us do not enjoy giving or receiving negative feedback. Yet without the benefit of negative feedback we usually fall way short of realizing our fullest potential.

As objective as we think we are, and as honest with ourselves as we try to be, still we are unable to become our best unless we are able to effectively give and receive helpful, negative feedback.

We all have been around people, family, friends, work colleagues or the person in line at the grocery store who needed some helpful, negative feedback, but we weren’t sure how to go about giving it.

Last week we looked at some of the reasons we fail to give negative feedback. Now let’s look at how we might go about giving negative feedback in a helpful way.

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Don’t Neglect the Temple of God – Your Body!

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Sleeping with catWe all need reminders from time to time. Today’s blog is one of those reminders in an area in which we are prone to become careless and often forget to do the right thing.

Always tired, heartburn, falls asleep easily, overweight, constant aches and pains, lack of concentration, have trouble reading, short tempered, easily angered, takes everything personally, etc. – you get the picture? These all could be as a result of self-neglect.

Leaders are notorious for self-neglect. Self-neglect has a major impact on our effectiveness as leaders. More importantly, you want to be a role model to those you lead as one who cares for yourself so you can give your best.

Here are some suggestions to help you take better care of yourself.

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Choice – Don’t Give It Away

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Choices stairs“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.” – Viktor E. Frankl

How do you respond when life treats you unfairly? What do you do when you are hurt by someone you love and trust? How do you respond when things are done to you by powers beyond your control? We all have stories of pain and disappointment. The question is how do you allow your story (or stories) of pain and disappointment to affect and shape your life?

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Transforming Your Stumbling Blocks into Stepping Stones to Healing

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stepping stonesMany years ago while in graduate school, I read the book The Wounded Healer, by Henri Nouwen. That book forever changed my life as I was learning to deal with the wounds of my life. I recently read a quote from that book, which reminded me once again of the importance of recognizing that we all have wounds that continue to shape our lives. Here is the quote:

Nobody escapes being wounded. We all are wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not “How can we hide our wounds?” so we don’t have to be embarrassed, but “How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?” When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers.